top of page

On Conversion

Glory be to Thee, Eternal Father, for “in thy light we see light,” and thou hast sent Thy Son, the “Light which enlightens all men.” All creatures, proceeding from Thee, have fallen into the darkness of sin and death. In the disordered passions of my soul, I served and loved proximate goods, proximate beauties, proximate truth without reference to Thee, Super Supersubstantial Being in whom all these goods, beauties, and truths participate in, having their being from. In the contemplation of these, I was to return to Thee, yet, as Thy saint, St. Francis de Sales wrote, I “confused the means for the end.” Yet, in Thy grace, I imperfectly participated in that fullness of Truth, Goodness, and Beauty that is Thy very essence. I proceeded, yet deeper and deeper into the fullness of Thy Immaculate mysteries, from these returning back to Thee. It is from many imperfect iterations of truth in the obscurity of the hidden mysteries of Thy Divine governance that Thou leadest me to Truth. As if I recalled mysteries already known (for, implicitly, insofar as I knew truth, I knew the Truth), Thou broughtest forth the fruits of eternal life from seeds Thou planted in times past. As a wise gardener, Thou workest in me, planting, watering, pruning, bringing forth fruit through pain, despair, imperfection. For all Thy works are prudence. In a moment, enlightening me with that mystic light that is Thy very substance, Thou broughtest me into the eternal destiny prepared for Thy saints since before the world. I pray that Thou mayest illume once against my intellect to worthily account for Thy work in me and through me, through Jesus Christ Our Lord. Amen.

I am currently sitting on my couch, at 1am, yet again, contemplating the work done through me by the Divine savior, the one who “become my salvation,” and thus “I shall not die, but live, and declare the works of the Lord.” Will this account I give be cogent? Perhaps. If I was seeking cogency, I would not bother writing this at such an hour. What I do seek is a much greater virtue in writing such an account of my reflections on conversion, that is, that I may give an account of that mystical voice of God wherein He speaks silently to the hearts of men. Working invisibly, yet bringing all things visible to pass. Working silently, yet bringing forth works that are to be “announced by angels to the four corners of the world.” The one “dwelling in unapproachable light,” as St. Newman writes, “all through our life…calls us from grace to grace, and from holiness to holiness, while life is given us.”

While I had been exposed to the truth and knew the truth, yet in the pride and obstinacy of the darkness of my heart, I rejected this truth. How can this be? How could I, while knowing the truth, be said simultaneously to reject it? For, I was in the cave of darkness and shadows. Seeing aspects of the truth, yet not the